Afraid of looking silly? Why people like you more than you think
Loneliness & connection · Équipe Viatous · 4 min
You know the scene. Someone friendly next to you, at a party, in a class, in a queue. You want to talk to them. You rehearse a line in your head. It sounds terrible. You look for another one. And meanwhile, the moment passes.
The fear of looking ridiculous is one of the most powerful brakes there is. But it rests on an illusion, and science has caught it in the act.
Why we feel ridiculous
Making the first move means putting yourself out there. What if they don’t respond? What if they think it’s weird? Your brain plays the worst-case scenario, in extreme close-up, with the volume turned all the way up.
The problem is that this particular film is almost always wrong.
What the research says
People like you more than you think
In 2018, a team of researchers had strangers chat, then asked them what they thought of their partner, and what they believed their partner thought of them. The participants consistently underestimated how much the other person had liked them. The researchers named it the “liking gap”. It showed up in longer conversations, in real-world settings, and even lasted for months among university roommates ( Psychological Science, 2018, via ScienceDaily ).
We misjudge how much others want to talk
In Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder’s experiments in Chicago, commuters who talked to a stranger had a more pleasant journey than those who stayed silent, even though they had predicted the opposite ( Chicago Booth, 2014 ).
Put simply: you probably make a better impression than you imagine, and the person opposite may want to talk just as much as you do. There may well be two of you waiting for the other to start.
Six simple ways to take the leap
Start from what you share. The class, the queue, the gig. “Have you been here before?” is a perfect opener.
Ask an open question. “What made you sign up?” invites a story, not a yes or no.
Compliment a choice, not looks. A book, an idea, a comment: “Good question earlier.”
Just introduce yourself. “I’m Sam, by the way.” It’s often the most natural move in the world.
Plan your exit. Knowing you can say “I’m going to grab another coffee” takes a lot of pressure off.
Allow a little silence. A pause isn’t failure. It’s often when the other person picks things up.
What to tell yourself just before
As you’re about to go for it, your heart starts racing. That’s normal, and it doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea. Keep a few simple thoughts in mind:
“They probably want to talk too.”
“I’m not asking for anything huge: just a few sentences.”
“The worst that can happen is a short conversation.”
And don’t hunt for a brilliant line. The most ordinary openers (“Freezing today, isn’t it?”) work just fine, because what matters isn’t the line, it’s the signal: “I’m open to a chat.”
What if it falls flat?
It happens. They’re tired, in a hurry, not in the mood. It’s not a verdict on your worth. At worst, you exchange three polite sentences and life goes on. In a week, nobody will remember it, except you.
A tip: count attempts, not successes. Every first move is a win, whatever the outcome.
Build up step by step
Social courage is a muscle like any other. Start small:
Week 1 : say hello and smile at three people a day.
Week 2 : ask a shopkeeper or a neighbour a question.
Week 3 : start a real conversation in a shared space (class, club, community group).
Week 4 : suggest meeting up again to someone.
An easier first move, when everyone’s there for it
The first move gets much easier when you know the other person wants to meet someone too. That’s the idea behind Viatous: you write what you feel like doing, and Viatous looks for compatible people to form a Room of 2 to 4 people, online or in person. Everyone came for the same thing.
For example: “Looking for two or three people to practise conversational Spanish on Wednesday evening, online.”
Roomi, the Viatous robot, welcomes the group, walks everyone through the steps and hosts the activity: the opening line is no longer your problem. You come with your first name, the camera is optional, and you can mute your mic or leave the Room at any time.
That line you’ve been turning over in your head all evening? You don’t even need to say it out loud any more: just write it. See how it works .