Scared of talking to strangers? How to build confidence one step at a time
Well-being & mental health · Équipe Viatous · 4 min
You know the moment. You have a question to ask, a comment to make, an urge to say hi. And a little voice whispers: "They definitely don't want to talk to you." So you stay quiet. And you walk away with that odd feeling of having missed something.
If that sounds familiar, you're far from alone. And here's the good news: that little voice is wrong a lot of the time. Researchers have even measured it.
We make a mountain out of a conversation
In 2014, two University of Chicago researchers, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder, asked commuters to strike up a conversation with the person next to them. Before the ride, most expected it would be less pleasant than keeping to themselves. The result: those who talked reported a more positive commute than those who sat alone . Participants had predicted the exact opposite.
Why? Because we underestimate how much other people want to connect. We assume we'll be intruding, while the other person is often thinking the same thing. Two people who don't dare adds up to a lot of conversations that never happen.
Confidence is built in small steps
Self-confidence isn't a fixed personality trait. It's more like a muscle: it gets stronger when you use it a little, regularly, without putting yourself at risk. The trap is trying to jump straight to the hardest step. Here's a staircase you can climb at your own pace.
Micro-moments. Say hello when you walk into a shop, thank someone while looking at them, give a sincere compliment on a detail. Ten seconds, zero stakes.
Easy questions. Ask a shop assistant for advice, or the person next to you what they think of the book they're reading. A question opens the door without forcing you through it.
The short chat. Bounce off an answer, add a sentence about yourself. Two or three exchanges, then you can move on.
The shared activity. Do something with people you don't know yet: a game, a walk, a workshop. The activity carries the conversation for you.
A few tricks that change everything
Prepare two or three all-purpose questions. "What brought you here?", "Have you been doing this long?" Not to recite, just as a safety net.
Listen more than you talk. People like it when you're interested in them. And while you're listening, you don't have to shine.
Accept the pauses. A three-second silence isn't a failure. It's a breath.
Set a tiny goal. "One question today", not "be socially confident by Friday".
Write down your small wins. One line each evening: "I asked someone's opinion, it went fine." Your brain needs evidence.
What if it goes badly?
Sometimes it will. Someone will answer curtly, or not at all. That's not a verdict on you: they may have been in a hurry, tired, in their own bubble. A conversation that falls flat says nothing about your worth. It just wasn't the right moment.
If anxiety about talking to people stops you from living normally, or makes you avoid going out, studying or working, it's not a lack of willpower. In that case, talking to your doctor or a psychologist can really help.
Practising in a reassuring setting, with a Room
The hardest part is often finding low-pressure chances to practise. That's where Viatous comes in. You write what you want to do in one sentence, and Viatous forms a Room : a small group of 2 to 4 compatible people, online or in person, brought together by the same idea.
The real bonus is the structure. Roomi , the Viatous robot, welcomes the group, walks everyone through the steps, reminds them of the rules and runs the activity. No need to come up with an opening line or fill the silences: the activity is structured. You show up with your first name, the camera is optional, and you can mute your mic or leave at any time. Identity verification is required to take part in person, and you can report someone's behaviour.
You could write, for example:
"I'd like a relaxed chat in Spanish with 2 or 3 people, to get more comfortable speaking."
Or "An online board game with friendly people, to come out of my shell". At the end, the Room closes, or becomes a Circle that meets again, only if everyone wants it. Viatous isn't a dating app: it's a place to do things together.
The first step is often the steepest. Here, it fits in one sentence, and one completed Room a week is free. See how it works , and let that little voice talk to itself.
If things aren't okay. Viatous doesn't replace a doctor or a psychologist, and Roomi isn't a health professional. In France, your GP is a good first step, and the "Mon soutien psy" scheme covers sessions with a partner psychologist through national health insurance ( ameli.fr ). If you're having suicidal thoughts or are in deep distress, call 3114 in France (free, 24/7, 3114.fr ), for yourself or someone close to you. In an emergency in France, call 15 or 112 , or text 114 if you can't speak. Outside France, contact your country's emergency services.